Forget about romantic embraces and scenes of lustful passion – some movie sexcapades are meant to be more entertaining than titillating. It seems as if some filmmakers are more concerned with the silly, awkward or just downright weirder side to sex. From slapstick entanglements to “I hope nobody walks in on this” sexual experimentations, these sex scenes are some of the funniest cinema has to offer.
10. Crank 2: High Voltage
Crank was an off-the-wall action movie which followed hitman Chev Chelios (played by Jason Statham) as he desperately tried to keep his adrenaline levels up to counteract the effects of a slow-burning poison in his veins. In the sequel Crank 2: High Voltage, the stakes have been raised and Chev has been fitted with an artificial heart which he has to keep topped up with electricity. In one of the movie’s many weird scenes, Chev’s energy levels suddenly drop so he has to have sex with his girlfriend in an effort to generate plenty of friction to boost his heart battery. Undeterred by the fact that they are at the horse races, the two have sex in the middle of a racing strip in as many different positions as possible while a crowd of gamblers watch on and cheer.
9. Not Another Teen Movie
American Pie might have set the standard for awkward sexual encounters, but that didn’t stop Not Another Teen Movie from spoofing the ridiculousness of the sex comedy genre and its many clichéd scenarios. Lead character Janey gets turned on while watching the Freddie Prinze Jr comedy ‘She’s All That’, so she unsheathes her “My Lil Vibrator” (which is nothing but little) and gets to work. Suddenly her entire family – including the family dog, local priest and lots of young children – walk into her room to wish her a happy birthday, and she understandably struggles to hold back groans as her beast of a vibrator gets to work under the covers. Janey climaxes just as the dog bites her bed sheet and pulls it off. This results in the pink, flailing vibrator shooting through the air and landing straight in the birthday cake, delivering a frosting money shot to everyone stood in the room.
8. Team America World Police
When a movie is rated R for its “graphic, crude and sexual humour…involving puppets” you know you’re in for a treat. Team America features what is probably the only sex scene in cinema history which involves marionettes. Even though the puppets lack genitalia, the scene is surprisingly explicit and shocking as two of them go at it with manic energy (the unrated version is even worse as it shows them partaking in a golden shower and then defecating on each other). The graphic sex is made even more hilarious by the fact that it is played out as melodramatically and straight-faced as possible, and the finishing touch is the brilliant parody of romantic power ballads – “Only a Woman” – playing in the background.
Some sex scenes miss the mark so spectacularly that you can’t help but laugh at their efforts. Often name-checked as one of the worst movies ever made, Gigli is a romantic comedy which created huge buzz before its release because it starred Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez – who were at the time one of the biggest couples in Hollywood. The movie was critically panned on release and many felt that it was necessary to point out that Gigli features one of the worst lines in movie history. Even though her character is supposed to be a lesbian, Lopez beckons Affleck to bed with the notoriously awful and awkward line “It’s turkey time. Gobble gobble”. Referring to oral sex as “turkey time” really is the most unerotic and unappetising way to get things started in the bedroom, and you can’t help but roll your eyes through the cheesy, boring sex scene which follows.
6. Jack Frost
The central premise of so-bad-its-good cult horror Jack Frost centres on a serial killer who is inadvertently turned into a snowman after he gets into a chemical accident. As you’d probably expect, the goofy movie never takes itself too seriously as the menacing Jack Frost picks off his victims one by one. Before American Pie helped her break-out into stardom the following year, Shannon Elizabeth played one of Jack’s helpless victims in one of the strangest sex scenes ever made. Her character is taking a bath when suddenly a carrot floats up out of the water to the surface. The water slowly turns into snow and Jack rises up out of the bathtub, half encasing her. The clunky, polystyrene-looking snowman grinds back and forth a few times before she drops down dead, and the audience is left wondering if they really just watched an evil snowman hump someone to death.
5. Demolition Man
Badass cop John Spartan (played by Sylvester Stallone) struggles to catch a break when he’s awoken from cryogenic storage in a futuristic version of Los Angeles which he just can’t understand. John thinks that he’s finally sealed the deal when his female partner Lenina Huxley (Sandra Bullock) invites him back to her apartment, but he’s less than impressed when she places a strange device on his head which causes him to have strobing flashes of them having virtual sex. John can’t get into it and despite his protests Lenina just isn’t up for trying it the ‘old fashioned’ way.
4. A Fish Called Wanda
Eccentric crook Otto (Kevin Kline) knows that the best way to get into his con artist lover’s pants is by spouting off phrases in sexy-sounding foreign languages, so he engages in some bilingual foreplay whenever he wants to get Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis) into bed. Otto starts things off with some snippets of Italian before he takes a big sniff of Wanda’s leather boots, her underwear and then his own armpit. He humps away on top of a spread-eagled Wanda with gusto while singing ‘Volare’ before he finally climaxes and does a very strange, cross-eyed ‘O face’.
3. The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear
The first instalment of spoof cop series Naked Gun has a wonderfully daft scene where Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen) and Jane Spencer (Priscilla Presley) make love wearing a pair of oversized, full body condoms. However, its sequel manages to include an even sillier sex scene. After Frank and Jane engage in a very messy Ghost-inspired pottery session, Jane starts rubbing Frank up and down (with a deliberately obvious hunky body double standing in for Nielsen) while at the same time moulding a chunk of clay into an ashtray. When they finally get down to it in front of a burning log fire, the movie cuts back and forth between a sex inspired montage which features stock footage of torpedoes firing, hot dogs getting put into buns, trains entering tunnels, fireworks going off and then finally a basketball slam dunk.
Leave it Sacha Baron Cohen to make one of the most graphic and hilarious gay sex scenes ever featured in a mainstream comedy. The sex scene starts out with Bruno’s Filipino lover Diesel apparently working out on an elliptical trainer, but when the camera pans out we see that he’s actually powering a dildo ramming machine which is going in and out of a bent over Bruno. What follows is a montage which includes: Bruno bending Diesel over and sticking a fire extinguisher nozzle inside his ass and filling him foam, Diesel flying ass backwards on a wheelie chair towards Bruno’s erect penis and Diesel using a handheld vacuum cleaner to suck up Bruno’s testicles. The whole thing is capped off with Bruno popping a champagne bottle which is revealed to be lodged inside Diesel’s ass. He then picks up his lover and manoeuvres him so he can pour some bubbly out of his ass and into some glasses.
Movies based on Saturday Night Live sketches usually struggle to extend a five minute premise into a feature length effort, but MacGruber was a surprisingly brilliant spoof comedy. Loosely inspired by silly American TV show MacGyver, MacGruber is a perfect riff on the action genre. After MacGruber has sex with his new female partner, he visits the grave of his dead wife to figure out his new feelings when suddenly the ghost of her appears in front of him and tells him to move on. The two then engage in some dirty sex on top of her gravestone. The sight of a bare-assed MacGruber humping his ghost wife on her own grave is bad enough, but the scene is really capped off by the truly awful (and hilarious) grunts and groans he makes throughout. Even worse is when we see the scene from the perspective of a nearby garbage man and it shows that the naked MacGruber is actually hallucinating and he’s really just humping the air in the middle of a graveyard.